I will begin with my story to help women look within themselves, rise and become who God wants them to be, NOT, what others think you should be, and find that inner joy, peace and a healthy self love we can only get from having a relationship with God.
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| Animals are our best friend, just like a spouse should be. My beautiful Granddaughter and Grand-dog |
“Healthy” relationships whether it be marriage, friendship, a working relationship, or Family begins with God. But, I am going to begin where most of our goal and aspirations as a woman is to get married and have children. From viewing my own life, I saw that I was superficial and egotistic in my view of what a marriage relationship should be like in the first place. I wanted a perfect marriage, but I wasn’t perfect. I went into a marriage relationship blind in one eye and couldn’t see out of the other eye. Just ignorant of what marriage was like in the "Eyes of God".
Genesis 2:24 AMP
24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
“Nothing is your own, you belong to each other” in marriage. I had regressed instead of progressed in my marriage; only because my support of a marriage partner was not there. I had goals that I felt we could accomplish together. Why not, I left school because he wanted me to and in my mind, I thought he would support me going back to school closer to home. I was very deceived and misled. Every time I pursued my degree, I was told that I was pursuing it so I could find another man; or I just wanted to go back to school to make him look bad. All of this was not true; but how can you reason with someone so beat down and broken themselves. No matter what you do, it is not good enough! So in order to feel good about their self, they will find fault in you and make you think you are the worst person in the universe - if you don't have any spiritual foundation. The abuse will carry over into you and your children, attempting to plant that seed in your life. No one is able to see their own faults and usually will be in denial when a character flaw is brought to their attention. That person gets defensive and here comes the physical and verbal abuse. Your spouse is supposed to bring the best out of you, not the worst. This is where it all began; but just a quick glimpse of how abuse can deplete anyone's morale and confidence. Which is a prime example of how someone who is broken can keep chaos and confusion in an uproar at all times; it can be debilitating.
Short note: I went back to school years after our divorce and was able to finish my Associates in Business Administration. I have about a semester and a half to complete my Bachelor's degree; but has been put on hold for now.
After 19 years of marriage, my health was failing and I honestly could not stay any longer. I thank God for already being in His presence before the divorce was finalized. I knew when my children were born that I wanted God fearing children, so as soon as they were old enough to go to Sunday School, I began teaching Sunday School. Each time they moved to a different class, I was the teacher of that class. I wanted to ensure they were receiving the Word, studying the Word, truly being exposed to who God is and how wonderful He is with Him in your life. During those ten years of teaching, I was the church treasurer for eight years, and had many other positions in the church that has molded me while I was in a wayward marriage. That is the ultimate reason that when the divorce became final. I did not pursue another relationship with another man. I began working on me and strengthening my relationship with God. I had to let God fix me. I knew that any attempt in another relationship would be another unhealthy relationship. My children did not experience a healthy marriage; but through God, they can have a healthy marriage. In addition, staying was more harmful then leaving.
I had to walk the walk and talk the talk, so I purchased some self-help books by Iyanla Vanzant approximately 21 years ago. She had some very inspirational Q&A sessions that made me sit down and really assess my life, my goals, and what steps it would take to achieve any of them. I had to really think them through long and hard; whereas, coming from an abusive marriage, I had lost all hope and self love, as well as no ambition of who I was and who I wanted to be anymore. Not realizing, I kept changing to please someone who also didn’t know themselves or who they were either, or had a close relationship with God!
In a healthy relationship, you should support each other in everything, not tear each other down; whereas, everyone benefits from each other’s success. No I am not perfect and I have many flaws of my own that need fixing. There are two people in a marriage; whereas, it is never one-sided. I had to take responsibility for my actions as well. When you know you are not perfect, it can be daunting trying to escape your reality and focus on others who you feel is in worse shape than you. Well, don’t get too excited; because God will let you know all about you when you ask. I had put myself on a pedestal and God politely let me know that I had many faults too; and one was arrogance. It took me about two weeks to swallow that pill; but I realized that in order to grow, I had to surrender and say; “God, I want to be a better me and I want to change - If I wanted to pursue healthy relationships and maybe marriage down the road again. Now the Bible tells us that if you are arrogant, you are unteachable. You know everything and truly don't listen to what people are trying to tell you; or are trying to help you with something they actually know more about than you.
Just a bit of advice, Make sure you are REALLY wanting to change, and you are mature enough to handle God’s truth about you before you ask about what is wrong with you. God will reveal things about you that you don’t want to admit, or hear; but in order to grow, it is necessary. You will get through it and the journey “with God” will be a great one; whereas, He does everything in love, is Holy, righteous, and merciful!
I am going to go down memory lane in my relationship and my marriage. We were living together before we got married, actually living in sin. One night, we got into an argument, and I am not sure what it was about; but before I knew it, I was in a closet. He hit me so hard, I thought I had a concussion. I woke up the next day with a black eye.
Anger is definitely not of God, nor should anyone provoke you to that level. Again, a spouse is supposed to bring the best out of you, not the worst. I said with malice in my heart, “You don’t have to hit somebody because you disagree with them.” He looked at me, and I’m sure, he saw I was so angry, I would have hurt him. He backed off and came back later and said; My old Man would beat his women and I thought that’s what a man is supposed to do.”
I kept wondering why someone who says they love you would do such a thing; and I’m sure it crossed his mind when his Father did it to him and his brother (whereas, he too was a victim of child abuse). I would pray about it many times and one day I heard God say, “Hurting people hurt other people.”
By the time I left the marriage, I was emotionally and spiritually broken, I had quit a good job I loved out of ignorance and could not find a job in my hometown, so I moved to Indianapolis, wanting a change from my hometown, and a change in general with more diversity and opportunities. Moving away from your problems doesn’t change them, and I knew that. Whereas, the emotions and memories are still with you wherever you go. I remember very vividly while crossing a highway in Indianapolis one day and I heard a voice say, “Everyone is looking at you, get out of the road! It certainly wasn't God. I knew it was Satan trying to destroy my emotions and me even more. Remember the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10)
I felt very vulnerable and exposed. I leaned on God's Word before the divorce; and I would not let go - even though I felt miserable inside after the divorce. I’m a fighter and I kept reading my Bible daily, journaling, praying and getting up facing the days head on.
It has taken me over 20 years to come to this time in my life, where I can say, with God, I have a healthy love for myself.
Being abused is a serious thing in our world, verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse; and NO ONE (man, woman, or child) should have to live with abuse. It usually starts from an abusive parent and patterns to the children, unless someone breaks that cycle. Again, NOTHING or NO ONE in life can heal, take the hurt away, give you freedom and joy back from that past hurt and pain; but God. Before I got to this point, just thinking about dating made me paranoid; in general, I was just one big ball of anxiety about "Dating"; or hearing the word!
A healthy relationship begins with God, no book (except the Bible), no pill to help with anxiety, no two week vacation to unwind and regroup, no pouring out all of your problems on a friend or psychiatrist will fix and heal you from the past like God can. Now don’t shut me down yet. Going to someone you can trust to help you through problems is a step in the right direction, as well as talking to a good spiritual friend or counselor. God is love and NOTHING can replace His love He has for you or satisfy what it is you are lacking.
Taking responsibility for your actions is the first step to healing. Be transparent about the things you have experienced and are experiencing, again with a trusted source. Don't give up in the middle and self sabotage. Be determined to stay on track until you are dancing on that mountain of freedom, self love, and a joy inside you can't explain - then you will know you have finally reached your destiny of being healed, delivered and made whole again God's way. Let Him love on you the way true love should be, so that you will see and experience a relationship with the One who is perfect; but gentle, kind, loving, peaceful, and full of nothing but joy!
One more thing everyone reading this should know, if you don’t already, is that God loves you; even in your mess, He loves you and wants to have a relationship with you. You don’t have to do anything but surrender your life to Him and let Him do the rest.
A good Spiritual friend told me one day, approximately 5 years ago; “God knows when you are ready; but for now, He’s molding you for someone special and molding someone for you”! So wait on God. Don’t jump ahead of Him and cause any more hurt and pain. He's never late in His promises! He's an "On Time God"!
Isaiah 12 AMPC
And in that day you will say, I will give thanks to You, O Lord; for though You were angry with me, Your anger has turned away, and You comfort me.
2 Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation.
3 Therefore with joy will you draw water from the wells of salvation.
4 And in that day you will say, Give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name and by means of His name [in solemn entreaty]; declare and make known His deeds among the peoples of the earth, proclaim that His name is exalted!
5 Sing praises to the Lord, for He has done excellent things [gloriously]; let this be made known to all the earth.
6 Cry aloud and shout joyfully, you women and inhabitants of Zion, for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.
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